MIL Wedding nightmare!!!?

my MIL over rides me in everything!!!! She goes behind my back to order an orchestra even tho my fiance and I had asked our friends to sing at the wedding. She went and buy candles after I bought the candles i wanted for the centerpeice, she insists the colour is better and they'll last longer. She keeps refering my fiance and my wedding as OUR wedding. I never have time mention anything for the wedding because she already picked it out or planned something...(like the bridesmaid dresses, the caterer and the florist). but her response for everything when i get upset is "I'll pay for it no worries"....i just wished i would be able to have my say and my wishes at MY wedding! Above all i'm 25 weeks pregnant due in July the wedding is in October and she's already freaking out on how the baby will fit into this.... I'm soo stressed out :(

MIL Wedding nightmare!!!?
dont use anyof the things she has bought call the orchestra and cancel. tell her flat out you are doing that and anything she buys has to be approved by you first, or it will go to waste. Just because she is buyiong things does not mean you have to use them
Reply:eloped ,because she does not get it that she is a stress to you.
Reply:I'd get your fiance to talk to her. Make it clear that you don't want her to book/buy anything without your knowledge because you and your fiance have already planned what you would like at your wedding and you do not want her to waste her money on things that won't be used. Tell her that you were hoping to take your bridesmaids/groomsmen shopping with you so that they could have a say in the dresses/suits they would be wearing on the day too. Make sure everything you book is in your name so that she can't ring up and change it on you.


If she really wants something to do maybe you could give her a couple of jobs to focus on that you don't mind her doing (e.g. ordering the cake, ordering favours or that sort of thing).


Since she is paying she probably does have a right to have a bit of a say in what happens, but going behind your back and ordering things without your input or knowledge is not on. You and your fiance should have the final say.
Reply:Sounds like you well and truly have a Milzilla on your hands.





There is not going to be an single easy way to handle this situation, but you do need to be certain of two very important people's unwavering support to change it....your fiance's and most importantly....your own.





Explain to your fiance the level of stress that this has (and continues to) put you and your baby under, that you feel this is now his mothers wedding 'show' and does not reflect your style or represent any of the things that your love for each other is about. Explain to him how isolated you feel from the whole process.





He may genuinely not be aware that you're so upset by the level of 'organisation' that Milzilla has taken on. He may in fact be under the impression that, as you're pregnant, you may want it all organised for you; in truth, men can be a bit daft about pregnant women, they sometimes assume our brain ceases to work after we conceive! So if this is the case- clear it up now and let him know where you stand.





Ask him to assist you by speaking to Milzilla about this and to get her to back right off until she is asked for help. He can even use the 'she's pregnant and hormonal and really wants to do this herself. You know how pregnant women get...' excuse if it means Milzilla backs off.





If she uses the 'I'm paying for this, so I should have the final say' excuse, then you need to be prepared to say 'Then don't pay and go away'. Parents are supposed to be offering their money out of love for their kids, not so they can control what you do.





If all else fails, I would seriously consider eloping - you can have a small courthouse or wedding celebrant organised inside of three weeks, have friends there as witnesses and a wonderful lunch or dinner at a restaurant.





Best of luck for the wedding and the safe arrival of your little one.
Reply:What does your fiance say and do? Has he told his mama to back off? Cos that is what he should be doing.





My advice is do NOT marry a mama's boy. Marriage to a mama's boy can make your life a misery.





I suggest telling fiance it is time to be a man. He needs to stick up for you. He needs to be the one handling mama . . . and telling her to back off.





If he is not capable of doing so, then he is not good husband and father material.





Good luck to you. Having MIL run your life is no fun. I hope your fiance can be a man . . . and stick up for you and for the marriage.
Reply:Ask her nicely to consult you before making decisions. Tell her you know she just wants to help out, which is very thoughtful, but it's you and your fiancee's special day, and you want to make the decisions. Give her a list of things you would like her to help out with, (let her go nuts on the rehearsal dinner), and tell her you would like to take care of the rest. If she's still persistent, be blunt, and say it in the nicest way possible: I know you're excited, but this is my wedding, and I would like to plan it. I'm very glad you'll be at the wedding, and I can't wait to see what you created for the rehearsal dinner, but I want to plan the wedding. Assert the problem now, before she's telling you how to raise your child, and how to navigate your marriage.
Reply:Use your candles, let your friends sing, etc. Remind her that she had her wedding and you would like to have yours. If all else fails, ELOPE! I feel sorry for you getting into a marriage like that, my MIL is the same, and it is hard!
Reply:maybe she is trying to be helpful by helping take some of the planning stress off of you. if you really have some better ideas and are willing to pay for the centerpieces than speak up and let her know this is what you prefer and u appreciate all her thoughtfulness. i wish my mother in law would help out and pay for things and be more helpful. if u feel shes being overbearing than speak up with what you like and dislike.
Reply:Remember this is your wedding and the day you and your fiance share your love and celebration with those you care about.





I agree with what is being said. It is time you and your fiance sat down and talked about what's happening and what you're feeling - without heated emotions. He needs to be the one to talk to his mother and be your advocate. This will allow the two of you to begin to set ground rules not only for the wedding, but for your life together and the life you want for your family. If he becomes wishy-washy about it, you need to be calm but firm in your requests, explaining why it is important to you.





And always take into consideration that cooler, confident heads will always prevail.





Also, as the best bridal magazines say, it might help if you included your MIL in some capacity, after the conversation about you having the final say, and that what you and your fiance want goes - no matter what. Invite her to help with stamping and addressing invitations (a long and monotonous chore on your own), or to be there when you have a fitting for the dress YOU choose, or even have a say in the favors or something minor you are willing to relinquish. Ask her about what her wedding day was like. Chances are your MIL is just overly excited, wants to participate or wants to relive some of the magic she had on her big day. She may even just want to have something she didn't. Not that it makes her entitled to call your shots. It doesn't. This is YOUR wedding; yours and your fiance's.





Most of all, try and enjoy the days leading up to the event and the birth of your child. Remember also to enjoy the actual wedding day when it comes around. One of the things I learned when it was all said and done was that I stressed far too much about it and was a basket-case finalizing everything the week before the day when I didn't have to be. I married the man I love, and that was what really mattered.





Congratulations and best wishes.
Reply:two ways to handle this





1) have chat with your MIL and make sure your bf is with you, so there are no changes in what you have to say - and tell her that it is not her wedding day and what she has chosen is not what you both want. I am guessing that your bf is either the first to get married or he is an only child - so use it to your advantage.





2) give her a list of things she can help with and set her free - this way she will feel involved and fingers crossed it will stop her - no it will cut down her meddling





Also breathe - weddings and funerals bring out the best and the worst in everyone.
Reply:I'm assuming that MIL stands for mother-in-law. If that is the case my friend, you had better take control of that situation right now. You don't have to be mean, but if you know what is good for you, and the future of your marriage you had better get those boundaries set right away or she will be controlling your life forever. What's going to happen if you don't, you're going to end up with alot of resentment and that will trickle into your marriage. Sometimes it's hard for us to confront people that we care about, but if you want to continue to care, you had better get some respect right now. She sounds like she is very controlling, and trust me, I doubt if you will get the support that you need from your husband once she digs in, so why even go there.
Reply:relax and tell your fiance to have a nice chat with his mother.....
Reply:Sorry that you're so stressed :( Have your fiance talk to his mother and kindly let her know that this is his and your wedding and you have your own ideas of what you want. Let her know that you both appreciate her helping but this is what you have envisioned for your big day. In the end, if she is paying for it she has a say in that particular thing. If you truly want everything your way, than you will have to pay for it yourself. Good luck with your MIL.
Reply:Put the wedding on hold while you plan for the birth of this baby. Then later you can plan your own wedding the way you and your fiance want. She will lose her deposits etc and that will cool her off some. Your friends will understand, believe me. All this stress is not good for the baby...or you.





You could always elope and have a grand reception at a later date. Good luck to you - you are going to need it if you marry her son!!
Reply:Tell her to back off this is your wedding not hers and hopefully it will be the only one you ever have so you want it to be your special day. Tell her if she doesn't back off you will run away and get married with just your close friends and your family and she won't even know about it, that should put the scorchers on her!!!!!
Reply:I'm having the same problem with my MIL she threatened not to go to our wedding because she wanted more people to go to the reception dinner on her side when MY parents are paying for it. She has tried to control as much as she can but i just wont allow it. Then I find out she was bitching about my mother and saying she should be able to have who ever she wants to the dinner ahhhh are all MIL complete control freaks? Is your partner like mine, just sides with his mother? If I were you, I would put her in her place if she is like this now, what will she be like when the grandchild is here. Its not right you have stress from a wedding and from carrying a child. Or maybe its better if he tells her because its his mother and can be more insistent.
Reply:It is time that you and your fiance sit down with her and set some boundaries. If I were you, I would be worried that she will continue to be so controlling after you are married. Set your boundaries now or you may have more trouble later.
Reply:First RELAX your little one is feeling all this stress





Second Tell your Fiance to reel in his mother or your will (and remind him too that Pregnant Women are NOT always Sweet %26amp; Kind in their words) At the same time remind him that he is to stand by you and your child NOT his mommy and if she is trying this with your wedding, she will get the idea that she can do it with your child and That will NOT HAPPEN EVER (you can also let it slip that if she doesn't back off now and respect you and him as adults you will not allow her to be around the baby as your (both of your) child doesn't need to be around someone who is disrespectful to their parents)





Third If your Fiance does talk to her and she is still overstepping her boundries then you will need to deal with it directly - Tell her that you know she excited but this is NOT HER WEDDING IT IS YOURS. Tell her too that if she doesn't back off now it will cause problems and the stress that she is causing you is not good for the baby.





Fourth What ever she picks out return it to her if she gives it to you. Call the Caterer/Reception Hall - EVERYONE ASSOCIATED with the Wedding that you have hired and explain to them that SHE IS NOT TO BE LISTENED TO - YOU ARE THE DECISION MAKER!!! As for the Bridesmaids dresses - PICK YOUR OWN AND TELL YOUR BRIDESMAIDS THAT YOURS is the ONE. Call Everyone she has hired and tell them that - she has no authority to hire anyone for YOUR Wedding and that is final.





It is time for you to take your wedding back and don't tell her anything - if she is paying for something that you don't want tell her she is wasting her money. You need to nip this in the bud now or she will be in your life and marriage and it will be horrible.
Reply:tell him to talk to her and inform her that if she dont back off you are just going to elope and she wont have any say then !